This process works by gradually mixing positive, rewarding behaviour with control. At first everything is positive. Then boundaries are pushed so slowly that neither the child nor the people around them are alarmed. Because the progression is staged and confusing, children rarely recognise the manipulation and may crave the attention.
The six stages
- Targeting the victim
- Gaining trust
- Filling a need
- Isolating the child
- Crossing boundaries
- Maintaining control
As described by forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner.
What it looks like from outside
An adult who is unusually generous, available and attentive to one child. Gifts, money, opportunities or favours that create a sense of debt. Special attention the child is asked to keep secret. A trusted role (teacher, coach, counsellor, religious leader, family friend) used to get time alone with a child. Compliments mixed with small insults that wear a child down. Threats, intimidation, or denying that anything happened so that the child doubts their own memory.
Warning signs
- The person is overly generous, available and attentive.
- The relationship is moving too fast and feels rushed.
- You are being isolated from friends and family, or told negative things about your loved ones to keep you apart.
- They insist on driving you places and waiting for you.
- They are "taking care of you" but become enraged when you assert independence: seeing friends, working late, travelling alone.
- They question or monitor your social media, internet use or phone calls.
- They constantly threaten you and make you feel you must walk on eggshells.
- The relationship is a cycle of breaking you down and then filling your needs.
The harm it causes
This manipulation does emotional, mental and often physical harm. Because it is gradual, the confusion between trust, dependence, love and harm damages a child's decision-making and development. Common effects include loss of self-worth and self-esteem, dependence or addiction, and suicidal thoughts.
Childhood trauma leaves lasting scars. Healing is possible, and survivors do overcome, but the harm affects brain development, how the child sees the world, their ability to trust and build relationships, and their sense of worth. Many victims struggle for years to recognise unhealthy relationship dynamics, because nothing compares to what they experienced.
If this is happening to you
- Get support from a trusted friend or family member.
- Do not use devices, networks or phone plans shared with the person.
- Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for free, confidential 24/7 support: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
- Leave the relationship as soon as you can, and cut all ties.
Parents: it is your responsibility to protect your children
- Talk to your children. Listen.
- Observe their behaviour. Has it changed recently? Why?
- Monitor their internet use, apps and messaging, and the photos and videos they send and receive.
- Get to know their friends, classmates, teachers, coaches, and their friends' parents and households.
- Explain these complicated ideas in an age-appropriate way.
- Teach them how to protect themselves.